What if the British royal family had a secret they didn't just bury - but threw away?
Tarquin the Third: The Royal the Corgis Refused to Lick is a ferocious, filthy, and darkly hilarious satirical memoir-that-isn't, charting the life of a man who claims he was discarded at birth for one unforgivable crime: being too ugly for the crown.
Abandoned, institutionalised, bullied, hustling, failing, surviving - Tarquin Archibold Barnaby Wilfred the Third narrates his own improbable rise from bin-liner beginnings to reluctant cult hero. This is not a redemption story polished for comfort. It is a brutal dark comedy, soaked in bile, self-loathing, gallows humour, and a furious class consciousness that never lets go of the knife.
From orphanages and council estates to nightclub toilets, bin lorries, failed OnlyFans stardom, royal lookalike disasters, viral public breakdowns, and a suicide attempt even the rope refused to complete - Tarquin's voice is unapologetically obscene, painfully funny, and strangely human. Every page skewers class hypocrisy, inherited privilege, celebrity worship, internet cruelty, and the myth of respectability, all delivered with a Northern snarl and a punchline sharpened on despair.
Written as a fake biography / confessional anti-memoir, the book walks a tightrope between fiction and provocation, daring the reader to decide what matters more: truth, or how it feels. Nothing is sacred. Least of all the monarchy.
This is a book for readers who like their humour black as tar, their satire uncomfortable, and their narrators utterly unreliable.
If you enjoy:
- Dark comedy and transgressive satire
- Anti-establishment fiction
- British humour with teeth
- Class-conscious storytelling
- Memoirs that go off the rails
- Unfiltered, obscene, laugh-out-loud writing
...then Tarquin the Third will crawl under your skin and refuse to leave.
Born too ugly for the crown.
Raised too twisted for society.
Rejected by the palace.
Crowned by the gutter.
No corgis were consulted. No royals were warned. And no apologies are offered.
